PSYCHED. I'm a fatass..

BUT in other news... starting my diet, again, this minute.

And... in other news... classes start on the 26th! WHOO SCHOOL!!! I LOVE SCHOOL!!!

and... I'm commin home soon. AND.... hmm... tattooed today, tattoo test in jan.

YAY LICENCE! MONEY MOOOONAAAAY.

I'm gonna be happy to make money again.

and finally get to do my own designs on people. it'll be fun.

but, the best thing, is my hubby is commin home for a couple weeks. I'm so psyched. I LUBBS HIM SOOO MUCH.

Squee.

all is well in my world.... except for lack of money and... car is dead. boo.

Well... I'm fine. I'm not pregnant... and, right now, I'm contemplative.

My biggest crutch is my level of social interaction with other people. So that is what I'm going to work on for the next year. Yes, I know, a bit late to be making a new years resolution... but this issue just needs to be worked out. I'm tired of it. It's really very rediculous.

Food Issues.

Okay. For the past couple of months I have been devouring massive amounts of junk food. sometimes three times a day. I've gained 35 pounds now. This has to stop. OMG it's hard. Every time I start to be good I get upset and eat eat eat. I was throwing up sometimes when I got home, but when I'm out I'm too embarrassed. So I end up eating, eating more, and then... oh, after a couple mac meals, time to go to popeyes, just so the mac people won't see my face there again. I'm addicted to fast food. and it's disgusting.

Today I was bad. I had steak and cheese and cheese fries, and a lot of chocolate.

Current Mood: contemplative

whoo.... bi-polar kicked my ass for a while, but I'm calm now. Fat as ever... gonna try n get to the gym some more.

I feel like I swallowed a balloon full of water. I feel like throwing up but can't, and I keep getting these headaches...

I hope it's just gas....

going to the doctors now.

I talk to myself too much, and I feel like I am not getting anywhere.
g


-connection with other people
-phone calls
-art
-school
-aspirations and actualities.

Connections
...I feel the need to connect with people... and yet, I am at a loss at how to do so.

phonecalls
I hate being on the phone. I always come off as being rude. I just hate phones. I hope people understand that. I can't hear you dammit! and even if I can, I'm so awkward I don't have anything to say. boring mindless fuckup.

art, school-
watching good will hunting. I had a feeling that when my grandmother showed it to me she was trying to tell me something. WELL FUCK. I ruined my brain. Could I still do what Will does in that movie? come anywhere close? I don't know what I want to do with art anymore. I just want to learn. I want to KNOW how they did it, know that I can do it too if I wanted. I don't even have any images that I want to create. I have no ideas. I need to read more books.

I don't know what to do. I want to learn, so that is what I'm going to do.

The tattoo shop is driving me nuts. I don't like the people there. Well, for the most part I don't. I don't know them very well. I'm sure that's part of it. I like Nancy and Colleen. They are nice... the men... arg. ARGH. sigh.

Aspiration and Actualities-

Back to Good Will Hunting. I don't know what my limitations are. And... I just realized that I am afraid to find out. I've never really pushed myself. Past my insecurities and past my stubborn spoiledness.

I'm fat because I'm afraid. I'm afraid I'm going to fail before I even try, and that is how I am with everything. I need to learn. I need so badly to learn. I also need to loose weight. I am wasting my time.

And. I need to go to bed so that I can go to the library in the morning, and the gym.

I'm not making any promises. Just demands on myself.

Quit fucking around.

Current Mood: discontent

I assume I was manic for the last couple of posts I made...

I'm getting really sick of this. Yesterday and this morning I spent so much time feeling down on myself it was ridiculous.

I've resigned myself to the fact that I will never be famous or well known, and now all I want is to make money so that I can get to that art school that makes me drool. I think tattooing is going to be the way to do it. I just have to get really good and work my butt off at it, but isn't that the way with everything.

I just don't like 3d enough.

But drawing and designing... that feels right. I can do that. And... it helps me practice my skills to reach my end goal... drawing tattoos for people also helped me get over the pet peeve I had about drawing porn for people. It doesn't bother me anymore... I just see it as money. I guess it helps that I'm flat broke.

anyhow...

money rocks. it buys me foods.

OMG I'm so excited about Art History School I WANNA LEEEAAAAAAAAARN!!!

I'm gonna have to talk to myself again about what I'm going to do.

I'm blown. Everything feels like it's going wrong. I just want to curl up in a ball and sleep

You would like to Become:

A painter the likes of Reubens

Rich, so that you can follow your dreams of becoming a painter.

Knowledgeable so that you can become rich, to become a painter.



CURRENT STATUS:

Training:

$$ Photoshop
$$$ 3dsmax
$$$ Story Boarding
$ Cartoon Drawing
$ Life Drawing
$ Design Sense
$ Open Canvas
$$$ Animation
$$ // $$$ Tattooing (IP)
Research // Note taking
$ // $$$ Pricing Art
$ Cocktail Waitressing
$ Retail Experience
$ Cleaning

Okay. So...

IP is training for tattooing.

Something you DO know, that you could be using to be making pleanty of money is Animation// 3dsMAX. You are letting valueble training go to waste. This is what I want you to do.

You need money to become a great painter. You need a lot of money. The thing is. You have some oppertunities open to you right now.

OPPERTUNITIES::

Time to work on 3d animation // Game walk through.
Tattooing as a Job. (flex hours)
Chris willing to pay for your school to help you get to where you want to get in life.


Path ONE:



PART ONE. (Thru JAN)

Basic Goals:: Loose Weight, Animate Phoenix in 3d, Learn Tattooing.

Reading Goals:: Manners, Tattooing, Small Buisness

Program Goals:: Learn Unreal Editor



PART TWO. (JAN- July 4, 2011)

Basic Goals:: Get a Degree in Art History. Start Story Animation.

Reading Goals:: Course work.

Program Goals:: Dreamweaver (For presentation of Portfolio.)


PART THREE.

Basic Goals:: Get job at animation or video Game company. Work for a few years until you feel like you have enough to go to Europe and learn traditional painting.




:::PATH TWO.

Learn Tattooing, get really good at it, if you like it, open a shop and make the money for school that way instead of working for an animation or video game company.


You HAVE actual skill in a few things. Use it to your advantage to get what you want.

Now... make another list of how you will reach Path One, Part One's Goals.



Path 1, Part 1,

Go to Gym Every day. Cycle upper and lower body, with long cardio on every third day.

Finish skinning Bird.

Do Basic push//pull & Squash and Stretch Tests.

Read and follow 2 books before Jan. (Stop Staring, and Unreal Editor)

Depending on how you take to unreal editor, decide if you are going to try for an animation or a video game company. Go from there.

Reassessment required in Jan.


Well now. Think you can follow through?

Don't bad mouth yourself...

Just TRY FOR ONCE YOU STUPID SPOILED BITCH.




okay... well... that was more than helpful.

Insecurities aren't Sexy.

I've been through a lot of self-reflection lately, and maybe too much thinking, but at least I know where I stand a bit better than I did before.

My Insecurities:

I'm horribly overweight. I am so depressed about this I want to cry every night. I feel like I should stop eating because I want my husband to want to see me naked. I'm afraid to be naked in front of him. Terrified. I don't want him to see the fat hanging off my body. More than anything right now I want to make him happy. I want to be so desirable to him that when he sees me when he comes back for leave from Iraq that I stop him dead in his tracks. I want him to do a double take... wonder if it's even me. Then I want him to ask me to be naked around the house. I want him to look at me the way I look at him... desire me as much.

I suck with people. I really do. I don't know proper etticut for meeting people, how I am supposed to introduce myself... or if someone else should be doing the introductions... and when they don't do it, how do I recover and do the proper thing myself? Some people say that it is straight forward and that it's a common sense type of deal. Well. I NEED TO KNOW. I want someone to teach me, but I've just realized that I can just as simply find a book on the subject and study it from there. OMG why have I been living with this insecurity for so long when it is something I could have remedied? It's not because I'm a snobby bitch, I think that's what people must think. Because I'm not that... I'm just so shy I'd rather cut my finger off than interact with people. And... most of that feeling comes from the feeling that I am probably being impolite in some way, and so I've already fucked up the relationship... and so... why bother trying to recover from it? It's a never ending cycle... and it's probably why I don't have many friends at all. I know I can be a good friend, I know I can help people, I like hanging out with them, drawing, playing video games and such... but geeze... I just have a problem getting over the introduction phase. I think it puts people off. I know it puts me off.

Dreams:

I have my man. So that is one dream come true. I'll be very happy in a few years when we are ready to have kids, but until then, I am going to enjoy every second I get, being with him. I love him so much.

I have learned of myself that I wanted something when I was younger. I've always wanted it.

I want to be something great. I want to be a master in my own right.

Most of all, I want to inspire people. I want to make them feel and dream.

I want to be so great at what I do, that I change people's lives because of it.

It can be anything.... but I think I have to pick one thing... or do a whole lot of things very well, and hope one of them makes me famous... and my art (In the form of writing, film or still imagery) becomes so widespread that I have a whole bunch of people who enjoy, or are inspired by my art work.

There are many issues with this.

First.

I don't have much life experience to draw on.

Second.

I am not learned in any particular field of media to create any of my imaginations as they are imagined.

Third.

My game plan is not structured well enough at this time that I will reach my goals in this lifetime.

I need clearly explained goals, as well as the paths I will take to get there. I also need alternative paths that I will take, in certain order, if a path looks sure to fail.

Goals for this Week.

1. Define Goals in Order of Importance.

This includes A final Goal, and the order in which goals must be completed to reach that final goal.

2. Define Alternate Routes.

Figure out monetary issues and means of reaching monetary goals. Structure time so that goals can be achieved in a a timely manner. Always have a secondary goal route in operation so that if plan A fails, Plan B can be easily integrated into lifestyle at any given time.

3. Pick up (And read DAMN YOU) Books on:

Etticuit // Manners
Making Friends
Government
Bible

Since there is too much literature that absolutely needs to be read. Set aside at least 2-3 hours a day that will be spent reading from at least three of (number) subjects that you choose to learn. When one book of the three is done, cycle that subject to the end of the list... and quite frankly. You don't work that structured. You learn better when you pick a subject, and read every little thing you can get your hands on about the subject until you burn yourself out completely.

REITERATE: You learn better when you pick a subject, and read every little thing you can get your hands on about the subject until you burn yourself out completely.

Since you've figured that out, don't forget it.

SUBJECTS OF INTEREST::

Manners // Finishing School.
Making Friends
Government
Religion
Society
Anthropology
Archeology
Botany
Biology
Geology
Space
Physics
Economics
Finance
Small Business
Tattooing
Graphic Design
Folktales
Proper Formatting
Video Game programming
Dreamweaver
HISTORY
Politics
Future Ideas // weaponry
Classics


When you realize you don't know shit about anything it's a little overwhelming at first... but then you realize that hey... you aren't going to be bored any time soon because there is a world of information out there for you to absorb. you need more textbooks.

Programs to Learn

Painter
Dreamweaver
Unreal Editor


Okay. you can't possibly do everything in a lifetime. Figure out what your goals are, then pick subjects that will help you most with those goals. The rest... will have to wait until you have time to get to it. HOWEVER. you should read at least one text book on each subject, just so that you are well rounded.

I don't like reading journals regularly. I don't like updating them either. I'd rather talk face to face, or on AIM even.